Not feeling good enough has been a constant + resurfacing theme for me in 2016. I’m sure it doesn’t help that I am naturally hard on myself with just about E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Think of those kids who cry at ridiculously hilarious things + that’s me in adult form without the crying but all the internal frustration. In case you wanted to know, my personal favourite can be found here.
I previously wrote a post about leaning into uncomfortable feelings + discomfort in general, but what I failed to mention in that post is that sometimes, when you lean in, you are faced with discovering an even deeper hurt than anticipated.
For me, as much as I kept digging, once I hit the centre of the nerve, I was afraid to face it. Well, maybe not. Maybe it was more of not feeling ready to own it.
So what did I find? If I am being completely honest here, as shocking as it sounds, I have completely fallen out of love with running. Well, more specifically long distance running. Probably not the best self discovery to make right before you run your 3rd half marathon, but whatevs. It is what it is.
Like with all wounds, nothing but time can make it heal. A recent trip to the west coast (for that 3rd half marathon I might add) definitely gave me the time I needed to think things through along with helping put things into perspective. The incredibly stunning views may have given me a solid dose of inspiration too, but you can never be too sure. I mean come on, am I right?! ⬇️
So here’s where I’m at. I think for the longest time I have fallen victim to letting running define who I am + by allowing that definition to happen, it also yielded many of those strong feelings of inadequacy. Not fast enough, not strong enough, not cool enough, not thin enough + basically you get the picture.
For me, running started off as a way to prove myself wrong + that I actually COULD do it, but after many great achievements it’s warped into something completely foreign. It’s turned into a dangerous competition with myself + wanting nothing more than to improve, but of course, instead of that happening, I just continuously got worse. That being said, consistently getting worse over time only intensified those feelings of not being good enough + so the vicious cycle continued.
I thought that signing up for race after race might reignite the spark, but it only made me hate it more. In the process of trying to make the hurt + frustration go away by FORCING myself to love it, I ultimately forgot the confident woman I’ve spent so much time creating. I forgot about the strong, kind + beautiful soul inside this body because she was buried underneath all of this garbage.
It took a lot for me to swallow that pill. Trust me. As a super proud, goal crushing gal, it took everything I had in me to admit that it was time to take a step back + return to the basics. So here’s the plan. From here on out I’ll only be running 5k + 10k distances until that passion finds me again.
While many people think you shouldn’t look to the past, but rather to the future or in the direction you want to go, at this moment in time, I politely disagree with you. Going back, remembering why I run + who I am is the best medicine to cure what ails me.
Plus, it’s not the end, it’s just the beginning. The beginning of me taking on a whole new adventure + obviously, that’s one thing I will NEVER fall out of love with.
Until next time.