I am a doer, an implementer, the person who makes things happen. I’m a believer, the person who inspires others to take their leap of faith into the unknown, and as much as I want to be the visionary, the person who paints with broad strokes, that’s just not who I am.
These last few weeks, I’ve been struggling with a recovering knee and once again, seeing the negativity in myself. January, ahem, “Blahuary” as I like to call it, forces everyone to set goals, intentions, resolutions, or to flip the bird to the status quo. Regardless of what one chooses, everyone is ultimately looking for happiness – and that’s what resolutions, intentions and goals are – the pursuit of happiness. BUT…people lose sight of them because we are all looking for the quick fix.
We all want happiness/transformation to be immediate. We all think happiness is effortless, and it is when you are able to live in the moment, but true happiness takes work just like everything else. It’s choosing to see the good in everything. It’s recognizing that the struggle is part of the process. It’s understanding that the road to happiness is paved with failure, growth, and believe it or not, magic.
I say magic because these last few weeks I have felt unsettled, but I have seen an incredible amount of growth in myself. I am no longer questioning if I can do things, but how and when I can accomplish them. That while I may not be a visionary, I do have great vision. I see myself fighting back the negative self-talk with encouragement, and with hope. I may not be where I want to be right now, but the moments that collectively comprise the now will ultimately get me to where I want to be, and that is magical; to believe and have faith in the wow. To choose yourself.
I have been nurturing a project for the last few months; humming and hawing about whether I should share it with the world. It has been a process laced with excitement and crippling anxiety. It’s been constant conversations with myself and with those people in my life who support me infinitely. One of those supporters sparked a conversation with me that took me on a little trip down memory lane to find out why I’m so scared to move forward with this. She asked me to remember a time when I realized that I needed to change who I was to feel safe. What did that moment look like and if I could talk to that Alex now, what advice would I give her to move past that obstacle.
I’m not going to dive into the mechanics of that right now because that’s a whole other blog post, but basically the gist of it is that I learned to dim my light and put up a wall to avoid being hurt by the cruel words of others – to conform and to stay small because it was safer than being unapologetically me. If this sounds familiar to you, stay tuned because mark my words, I will write all about that journey soon, and if I can give anyone a shred of inspiration to break that cycle, well then, nothing would make me happier.
That being said, within the next few days, I will be sharing the project that has me squealing with happiness/anxiety. It’s amazing and it’s scary but I know that if I don’t share it, I will ALWAYS regret it. So, 2016 – here’s to the incredibly uncomfortable because shit, that’s one step closer to happiness for me. #bethechange
PS – was it coincidence that this showed up on my social media travels today? Not a chance.