So I’ve been hijacked by my alter ego, Alex McGrumpypants for the last few weeks which has kept me from writing, because let’s face it, as the saying goes, “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” In the last month, I have wanted to write so many times. SO MANY, but just felt like all of the thoughts I had were so negative they just weren’t shareable. I blame winter, the Seahawks SuperBowl loss, oh and mercury retrograde.
However, despite all of this negativity flying around, it’s also been a highly reflective time for me. One of my goals for 2015 was to take yoga more seriously and to give it an honest to goodness chance. Consider it done. I’ve been going to yoga on the regular, at least twice a week, and in addition to the rest of my Around the Bay training. If I am being completely honest here, I think the beginning of my yoga practice was the pivotal moment in my highly emotional state as of late because a) yoga is physically challenging, like whoa, and b) yoga is super mentally intense. For anyone who doubts me, try sitting alone with your own thoughts for 15 minutes, let alone an hour, and see how it goes. See where the journey takes you because the trip I took was completely unexpected, but entirely necessary.
I’ve always had a hard time understanding the principles of yoga. In particular, the idea of quieting the body and mind. To completely let go. Would you be shocked if I told you my first class had me secretly in tears, because I certainly was. I say secretly because it was a hot yoga class and my tears were masked by my ridiculously excessive sweating.
I could sit here and tell you that I’m not sure where this emotion came from, but that would be a lie. As I sat in my pose, listening to the teacher’s words about letting go, and to thank your body for all that it does, I started to break down because I realized in that single moment, how truly hard I am on myself. There is always something that could be better, always something more to do, and never enough credit given, because praise should be given to someone else – someone more deserving than me. But then, the real revelation came. If I can’t find it within me to give myself praise, or be self loving, than I am relying on others to feed my self esteem. I am relying on others to validate my actions when the only validation I need is my own. Cue the tears, because that’s when they started rolling. Rolling like the river Creedance Clearwater Revival sings about (you can cue the nerd alert too with that nod to CCR).
This is something I have been thinking about ever since that first class a few weeks ago. Where and how do I start to give myself that praise? That validation? These are questions I have yet to answer, and if anything, have become more complex. The one thing that is clear, is that I need to learn to love myself entirely, because right now, I have a love affair with my flaws, but in a controlling, self-deprecating way. I need to transform the negativity into positivity. I need to start owning my self worth, and I need to do it quickly, or this captain is going to sink with her ship, but like all good captains, I have a plan to weather the storm. Stay tuned for operation sparkle, because once this pressure lifts, I’m going to shine like a diamond.