I’ve spent the last few weeks humming, hawing, and thinking about writing this post. I finally decided to put my big girl pants on and just write it, because let’s face it, I have a hard time containing my thoughts.
I took some time to review my blog posts right from the beginning, and I have a confession to make. In my initial post, I wrote that I started this journey of mine at 250lbs, when really, that was a lie. Not that my weight matters, but the other confession here is that it actually DID matter. When I first started this blog, I was ashamed of the actual number on the scale (which was actually 276lbs), so instead of sharing it with you, I wrote what I thought was acceptable at the time, and for that, I apologize because I am learning everyday that there is nothing to be ashamed about.
Continuing on with the theme of confessions, I have to admit that I have struggled with my self-image for as long as I can remember, and I still suffer from it at times. I feel like I have always had a strong sense of self and who I am as a person, but at the same time, I have always felt that if I were thinner, people would like me more. The truth is, I have always been hard on myself – with EVERYTHING. The phrase “you’re your own worst enemy” is an understatement for me, because I truly am a glutton for punishing myself. I think too much. So when I took the sport of running on by chance, you can imagine my surprise in learning that I didn’t expect to fall in love it with it so much and that I didn’t expect it to continually teach me the act of self-confidence. I didn’t want this journey to be about weight loss, I wanted this journey to be about finding a passion, inspiring others, and making it my calling, but in the process, I realized that weight loss would be a goal regardless, especially if I wanted to get better at the sport. It’s not rocket science that the less you weigh, the faster you’ll go.
I will be the first to admit that losing 34lbs has been awesome, but it’s also challenging because I still manage to find ways to beat myself up. I did a little dance with my self-image demon a couple weeks ago after receiving a constructive criticism which put a lot of things into perspective for me. I first looked internally to find an answer as to why I have my own self-image struggles which led me to thinking about the bigger picture, and since then, I have been asking myself why we are constantly fixated on very specific appearances and why we can’t just love our bodies the way they are? Why do we let people we don’t even know dictate how we should feel about our bodies? Heck, why do we let people we do know make us feel bad about them? I guess the real question is, why do we allow ourselves to believe these opinions, because at the end of the day, the only person in control of you is actually you. It is YOUR choice to believe what YOU want, and that we could all benefit from learning to love ourselves exactly as we are.
So…last confession, I promise. As a result of all this thinking I’ve been doing, I’ve decided to commit to thinking positively about my self-image. No more self-doubt and no more self-hate because our bodies are super AMAZING and way too cool to play second fiddle to preconceived notions of beauty. The sheer amount of bodily processes happening right now as I type these words are like a beautiful symphony in and of themselves. The fact that we can consciously learn anything, or physically push our limits is a unique gift, and to be honest, I am not ashamed to say that this vessel I call a body is my most prized possession.